Muse Gone Haywire

Well, I've had little impetus to write lately, and I think, with the help of my fellow writers, I figured out the cause.

I'm trying to write a story from the perspective of a woman on crack, something I have intimate familiarity with (though I have never used crack, no way no how). The story is something I want to capture for many reasons, but I am too close to it. The writers suggest writing outside this woman's point of view, like, the POV of a friend or even a counselor or something. Giving it thought. The story is also cleanly unlike my typical erotic stuff, which may have something to do with the block. Trying to write something "real", that is, something that captures a myriad of emotions and complexity outside the bedroom doors (or whatever, heh), is a struggle. I'd rather just write the fun stuff. But how can I write good fun stuff without pushing myself? Yeah, I have to finish this one, even if it is really hard.

Not that erotica is always clean or easy or basic, just that I am comfortable writing in that space.

Anyhow, the group promises a write in and there is a deadline, so I have support for my blockage. What an invaluable thing!

BTW, it doesn't help that I have a one year old terrorizing the house as he learns to walk and open every cabinet and eat every stray dog hair. Sigh. Beautiful torment.

Sigh

It is weird to know the entry date has come and gone for the contest I entered. I can wait and wait and never hear anything about this again, I know that. That is an odd feeling, to have put something out into the universe I may never hear from again.

That said, the wind is a bit low in the sails for writing. I write slow, I write deliberately. I have an idea brewing, a story half written, but for some reason I can't put it to paper. I know I'll get there, but it is slow going.

My Weight Story (long)

I came to the weight issue a weird way. I was a thin kid, never had problems until puberty, then I ballooned quickly into a very large junior high student. What a terrible time to get fat. I mean, I was tortured in junior high--so badly I've forgotten large portions of it. I remember getting my hair pulled so hard it brought tears to my eyes with pain. I remember trying to run the mile and being so far behind my teacher would come finish with me. Every week. Pure hell. Didn't help that we were broke and couldn't afford decent clothes. I had ill fitting, bad looking clothes on most of the time. Thankfully, I managed to find a crowd of friends to fit in with. I always had friends, even when most people wouldn't talk to me. I have an uncanny ability to seek out like minded folk who are a bit on the outcast side themselves.

Ugh, junior high. I suppose no one wants to go back to that hellhole time. But I survived.

I went to a great high school, had very good friends who loved me for who I was. I got teased, but by then I was better able to handle things. Then, my mom got the strangest notion that it was "time" for me to loose weight. So she dragged me to the weight loss center and I did. I lost a lot of weight. I became, well, normal anyway if not thin. I discovered the attention of boys. I was attractive, I could wear nice clothes. Life was great.

And like M. Night Shyamalan, here is my twist. I was far worse off being thin than fat. Somewhere deep inside I learned the lesson that I was only valuable now that I had a nice body. Boys had noticed me before getting thin, but lots of boys noticed me now. So I entertained them, and I met many jerks and abusive guys, eventually marrying one. I learned I was only worthwhile as a body, not for my mind or heart since most people had ignored me when I was fat. I made new friends, "cooler" friends, who suddenly noticed me. I lost ties with my closest and dearest friends, though we still talked I was distant from them. The people who accepted and embraced me for me disappeared from my life as I started to believe in my core that I was worthless except for my looks.

I married someone who took advantage of my emptiness and used it. He was verbally and emotionally abusive constantly, bombarding me with my worthlessness and I believed every word. I began to gain weight again, out of high school, mostly because I had no money for healthy food and no self worth at all. My husband cheated on me constantly and I knew it, though I denied it. I assumed it was my fault, he told me as much anyway. I had a baby, I got even fatter. Now, because I had lost weight and learned that my body was my value, I had absolutely no value now. I was nothing. Totally, completely nothing. So I stayed even though I knew to leave. I stayed for a very long time because I was nothing.

Eventually, I met someone. A friend. A big girl like me. My "cool" friends had long deserted me, and my good friends were around but I was ashamed. However, this new friend J took me in, under her wing, and taught me. My philandering husband actually left me eventually--I guess he had new spirits to break--and I was alone. She took me out. Taught me about the store Lane Bryant, where big girls could shop and look decent. Told me I didn't deserve to be treated in the way I had been. She helped me cut my hair, dress like a human being not a potato sack, and find value in the way I was, right then. That, plus lots of therapy, helped me accept myself the way I was. Am.

I met a man. Strangely, he was the same boy who had showed me attention back in high school--he liked me for me then, and still did when we met again. He was kind and gracious, and found me beautiful for all my flaws and history. I married him, and I'll not let him go again.

I guess the long winded point of all this is that, while others strive for self esteem by losing weight, I gained my self esteem by accepting it. Being thin never worked for me. Being fat is part of my identity, a part of what makes me a whole person in the world. I have no desire now for thinness, simply good health and being entirely me, valued and cherished for the person I am. And when I say valued, I mean by me, not by others. I accept that I hold worth and value set apart from what others think of me. I honestly look in the mirror with more pride now than I ever did as a thin person.

I know I rub people the wrong way when I say these things. Few understand how I can believe that being fat is ok with me, but mostly it is. Granted, I have my days. I live in America after all, land of the wanna be thin. But here I am, all of me. Take me or leave me, ya know?

Yum

As Monica from Friends would say, Humna humna humna



Vin Diesel. I'm not usually attracted to muscly guys like this. If your man boobs are bigger than mine, no thanks. But it's the look on his face, the gleam in his eye, and the way he can deliver a one liner that really clinches my love for Vin. If you haven't seen the Riddick movies go right now and rent them. Even the animated one, because it was awesome too.

Note to Self

There's a short contest at eharlequin.com, 1000 words due January 16th. May or may not be able to make that one.

It calls for a proposal story, not necessarily a marriage proposal. What other proposals are there, I wonder...

Done

I submitted The Jason Factor to Amber Quill's Heat Wave contest today. Scary. It is a bit like sending a child off to college after raising it. I revised and re-revised that thing until I couldn't look at it and see errors anymore. Or all I saw was errors. Either way, it was time to let it go into the universe and do what it will.

If it doesn't get accepted by Amber Quill, I might try a few other places, and if nothing bites I'll probably post at least parts of it here. Might as well put it out somewhere, right? I enjoyed the process of writing and revising--I learned a lot about crit, a lot about a good revision, and that the first draft is always crap.

Carry on my wayward story, I hope you find a home somewhere!

Yum

Ok, this is totally a cliche, because what woman isn't in love with him? But still, feast on this:


He's hot. He's a pirate. He's a gypsy (did you SEE Chocolat?). He's a writer. He's a freaking chocolate maker. Dear God could he be more perfect? LOL, I can't help it. I have socks that say I love Johnny on them:


I just bought them. Aren't they cute? Click the pic for purchasing info, and no I don't get paid to advertise for Torrid. I shop there all the time.

Anyway, I could gush for days on the merits of Johnny. Leave it to say, if he knocked on my door, he'd be invited in. Oh yes, he'd be invited in. Even my husband would be serving drinks to this one. Sigh...

Reflections Meme

I copied this meme from somewhere--I'm sure many have done it. I want to reflect on the last year once more before looking forward.

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'’d never done before?
   Started this writing blog and venture. Improved my marriage in a major way. Coded my own website for work. Learned photoshop fundamentals. Bought a new new car. Trained a dog (kind of). Bit the bullet and reconnected with a few old friends. Joined a writing group. Wrote a book! Oh, and HAD A SECOND BABY!! He's as fantastic as the first one, but light years different. New challenges lie ahead for sure.
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
   I don't make resolutions. Or, I make them daily, I guess. I always have goals I'm working toward, new things I want to try. I would like to get back on that damn exercise bike every day. The baby is now mobile and not happy sitting in one spot for 20 mins though, making things much harder. Oh, and did I mention he doesn't nap?
   
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
   Yes, me! And a good friend of mine. And another good friend of mine is due in July. Woot!
4. Did anyone close to you die?
   My great grandmother died early in the year, but I can't say we were all that close. Still, she was my oldest living relative.
   
5. What countries did you visit?
   None, but we did go to DC for a visit. That was fun and educational.
   
6. What would you like to have in 2006 which you lacked in 2005?
   Sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep. Intimate time with the husband. That's about it. I had no lack of joy this year.
   
7. What date from 2005 will remain etched in your memory, and why?
   February 7th, thanks to the little one. New Year's Eve, for a different reason.
   
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
   Surviving major surgery, an open incision (twice), two bouts of mastitis, cracked and bleeding nipples, sheer exhaustion, a baby with acid reflux who eats 24 hours a day and continuing to breastfeed through the first year of his life. And WRITING A BOOK!
   
9. What was your biggest failure?
   Total lack of patience with my husband while he learned about life as the parent of an infant. We had some tough times, the hardest we've had so far.
   
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
    See number 8, plus four rounds with evil stomach viruses and a couple colds, and some female issues. My immune system depends heavily on sleep, doh!
    
11. What was the best thing you bought?
    Probably the new van, I luuuuuuuuv my new van. Also, if it hadn't been for buying Lauren Dane's Triad, I might never have considered trying my own hand at the genre. Plus it's a great book!
    
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
    My lovely husband, who has always been lovely but this year has been a real challenge to us all, and he came through better than ever.
    
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
    The right wing, "W", and the Christian right specifically. Won't get on the soapbox though.
    
14. Where did most of your money go?
    The house, the van, the kids. One really fun vacation. DIAPERS.
    
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
    The baby's arrival. Writing.
    
16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
    When I am King, Great Big Sea. Also Sally Ann by the same band.
    
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: Happier or sadder? Thinner or fatter? Richer or poorer?
    Happier, way thinner thanks to getting the baby out, poorer in money, richer in spirit.
    
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
    Sleeping lol. I wish I could have been more present for the baby's infancy, but we were just so exhausted.
    
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
    Worrying, fussing with my husband.
    
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
    Um, too late for this one, but we spent it with family.
    
21. Did you fall in love in 2005? Yes, with my husband and kids every day. Especially the new one, because he was so difficult I had a hard time finding joy in him the first few months, but I remember looking into his eyes and just feeling that rush. He is most definitely one of mine, and cherished.
    
22. What was your favorite TV program?
    Two--House MD and Medium. I also enjoy reruns of Charmed (dork alert).
    
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
    No.
24. What was the best book you read? Tough one. I loved Harry Potter of course, and there's the new to me scifi author Terry Bisson's short stories. I read Daughter of the Blood (see left) and loved it. I also read and enjoyed a bunch of Terry Pratchet books. Also the erotic romance genre was a fun exploration. No one favorite stands out.
    
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
    My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps. Just kidding. Can't think of anything new.
    
26. What did you want and get?
    A healthy baby (well, apart from the awful reflux).
    
27. What did you want and not get?
    Not to repeat myself, but sleep! Hee hee.
    
28. What was your favorite film of this year?
    Saw a lot of Netflix, loved a lot of them, hated some too. I guess my favorite movie in the theater was Harry Potter.
    
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old did you turn?
    My darling took me to a quiet, fancy restaurant for dinner. It was lovely and did I say quiet? I turned 27.
    
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
    Sleep? No I'm kidding. This was by far my hardest year since getting married, but probably the most satisfying as well.
    
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
    Penguin pajama pants and cami tops (great for nursing).
    
32. What kept you sane? Focus, intent, breathing through difficult moments. Eminem when it was really bad.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
    This year? Probably Johnny Depp. Every year? Johnny Depp. And Alan Rickman. Snape is my baby's daddy.
    
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
    Marriage for all, women's reproductive rights, the fight for evolution.
    
35. Whom did you miss?
    My grandmother, who isn't dead but who's joy in life seems to have vanished. My good friend who lives 3000 miles away.
    
36. Who was the best new person you met?
    The tiny tyrant, who my life would be bereft without.
    
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:
    Patience and keeping my mouth shut. Being non-judgmental.
    
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
    All eyes on [him] from dawn till dusk Hanging on [his] every word Kings and queens never saw such a fuss Servants are waiting to serve...